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(no subject) [Oct. 21st, 2009|02:57 pm]
 the bottom line is that I just need to stop documenting anything in here, because as soon as I do it changes. like how kyle and I used to break up every other day, and then we'd get back together and I'd have to write about it... or how I was so sure and excited about quitting my job, even when they offered me exactly what I wanted... and now I'm staying.

Applebee's would have worked out. period. I would have gotten the job, hands-down. but I am stupid. and whiny. and got sick, and didn't want to interview sick, so I rescheduled. I HAD THE JOB, IN THE BAG, all I had left to do was get the approval of the head honcho. and I blew it, for a sickness that WOULD NOT have affected my interview capabilities. and by the time the date of my rescheduled interview came up, they had hired someone else.

so, totally dropped the ball.

but one upside is that even if I HAD gotten the job at Applebee's, they only needed me two days a week. which is not enough hours or money for me, so at one point I was considering taking it and keeping my job at the hotel. (let's be honest, I would have made BANK.) and that was the plan up until the failed interview, so now that it didn't work out I'm just stuck at the residence inn.

I really shouldn't say stuck. working conditions have improved immensely. I get to pick my own schedule, so now I work 10-6:30, four days a week. I still have enough time for sleep and a social life, I have tons more pull with the managers, and the aforementioned coworker is no longer going to be my supervisor. things are good. I'm generally cool with all the new people they hired, and for the time being I'm doing an excellent job of making the best of it. it'll be fine.

there's more. there's the whole I-think-I'm-moving-to-frisco-bay thing, but I'll go more into that when it's more of a finite plan. we'll see. :]
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(no subject) [Sep. 27th, 2009|08:49 pm]
I know I'm such a see-saw about it, but I'm feeling much better about this whole being temporarily jobless thing. I mean MUCH better.
if you know anything about anything about Susie Wittbrodt, you know that I have never had a bad day on the 26th of the month. ONLY GOOD THINGS ARE CAPABLE OF HAPPENING. and sure enough, yesterday made me flip a 180 on my perspective on this whole ordeal.

three things happened to cause this change in me:

1) lindsey pulled me into her office to try to convince me to stay. she offered me EXACTLY what I asked for. whatever hours I wanted, better pay, and essentially left it open for me to make whatever demands I wanted (within reason) to stay.
I most likely will not take her up on this offer, my reservations about staying are still very absolutely there. but it gives me incredible peace of mind to know that I'm appreciated... that if I can't find another job I'll still have one here, maybe even way down the line. and that's something.
2) same day, I got a callback for one of the places I applied to on craigslist. I still, to be honest, haven't figured out WHICH one, since he left a voicemail that just said "I'm calling in regards to your resume" but I've gathered that it would be some kind of clerical position, 20-25 hours a week for 50 cents more than I'm making now. I called back to schedule a phone interview and they were closed, but he'll call me back tomorrow. which is something else.
3) a guy I work with, Mike, has a second job at Applebee's and said they were hiring for a hostess. he's giving me a recommendation and I have an interview tomorrow morning at 9am. he hasn't come right out and said it, but he keeps making it sound like I've got a really good chance.
sidenote: I know I said no restaurants like Applebee's or Olive Garden, since they're all chain-y and lame and since I've heard so many horror stories about them, but Mike is pretty convincing when he says he loves it there. we'll see how it goes, I guess.

so all three things happening in one day, I'm feeling much better. we'll see how everything pans out, I suppose.
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2009|07:05 pm]
 terrible, terrible, terrible.

I used to get stress headaches all the time, senior year, when I was in my I-have-insomnia-I'm-in-therapy-I-write-poetry stage of development, but more or less haven't gotten them since. but here they are again, hooray.

it started when I was walking through parkway plaza, and thinking a scarf in the display window at forever 21 was cute, and then had to catch myself because I AM UNEMPLOYED AND THEREFORE CANNOT SPEND ANY MONEY ON ACCESSORIES. but, like, when do I even buy clothes anyway? I got over it. then I walked a little farther and passed a See's, and thought, hey. my whole family is at home right now, awaiting my return at dinnertime, wouldn't it be nice if I brought home a box of chocolates? mom loves the molasses ch---WAIT NO, I AM UNEMPLOYED AND THEREFORE CANNOT SPEND ANY MONEY ON DELICIOUS CHOCOLATES. but, again, how often do I REALLY go out of my way to bring home fam candy? not often, is the answer. I got over it. walked a little farther, and passed a movie theater, and remembered how cloudy with a chance of meatballs came out recently, and how kyle and I are supposed to see it sometime next week, when I remember that I AM UNEMPLOYED AND THEREFORE CANNOT SPEND ANY MONEY ON DISNEY MOVIES OR ANY MOVIES AT ALL.

and just those three epiphanies, right in a row, almost gave me a panic attack. I know I shouldn't worry, I know I'm hirable. I know I will find something, and it will be fine. but just the idea that I HAVEN'T yet, and pretty soon I will be dipping into a finite amount of money, scares the living shit out of me and, apparently, gives me stress headaches that I have not had the misfortune of having to think about in three years.

there's something, this english tutor position, which at first I was incredibly psyched about ($52 an hour, no that isn't a typo), but now the guy's being all sketch about how he's in France right now and he'll send his nanny with the check at the first lesson, and I'm like FUCK FUCK FUCK NO DON'T BE A SCAM I NEED THISSS. I'm not totally unconvinced that it's legit yet, but I'm getting there.

and it's just like, my family is so unsupportive of this decision FOR THIS VERY REASON, and has made it unbelievably clear that they will not make any efforts whatsoever to support me financially if I can't find anything before I run out of money. and it isn't like I really expected them to, or even expected to need them in the first place, but somehow that knowledge is just weighing down on me even more, like I have no safety net, like I have nothing to turn to. if worse comes to worst, gas is all I REALLY ABSOLUTELY need to spend money on, and that's only about $100 a month, and with that logic I still have about another year, with bills and stuff included, before I have any reason to worry.

but somehow it's still such a weight on my shoulders. literally, I feel like I'm going to be walking slumped over until I have something solid to stand on and say YES, THIS IS MY JOB, IT MAKES GOOD MONEY.

until then, though, bring on the headaches.
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(no subject) [Sep. 20th, 2009|12:21 pm]
 GLORY HALLELUJAH I'M QUITTING.

I've been teetering on the brink of wanting to quit for a long, long time... and obviously have been looking for jobs without success, but I would always lean toward staying... comfort being my main motivator, being fabulously good at my job being another, liking my coworkers, yadda yadda. but it has finally happened, they have finally given me enough concrete motivation to say SCREW IT.

my least favorite coworker, literally the most incompetent person I have ever seen employed at the hotel (who ironically has been there the longest but still can't manage to do a single thing right) is officially my supervisor. and it's like, no. I'm sorry. 30% of my day-to-day responsibilities there involve cleaning up after him, righting all his wrongs, apologizing to guests he gave false information to, etc. and now he's my boss? not happening. absolutely ridiculous.

it isn't just that, OBVIOUSLY, but this will be my "straw that broke the camel's back," as it were, and since michelle is leaving, and she was who I was mainly referring to when I used to say I love the people I work with... I really can't find any more reason to invest so much energy, and especially TIME, to this job.

so it's done. not really, I'm putting in my two weeks on Wednesday. but it might as well be done. my only hesitation is that I don't have a job already set up on the side, but

a) I'm putting in my TWO WEEKS, which means I have another TWO WEEKS to find a job.
b) two days after my last day, I'll get a paycheck.
c) two weeks and two days after my last day, I'll get my final paycheck.
d) even if by some wretched course of events I don't have a job by then, which is a MONTH from now, I have two grand in savings to keep me afloat, as well as birthday money. I'd really rather not dip into my savings if I don't have to, but it's a safety net.

and if nothing else, being jobless will be that much bigger of a motivator for me to get off my ass and turn in some applications. as long as I'm employed at the residence inn, I will use it as a crutch and an excuse for why I haven't done more to get out of my current situation.

I already have an application for Mimi's Cafe completed, and I'll be turning it in tomorrow. I don't know why there, but I like the idea of a restaurant and I like the idea of it not being something like Applebee's or Olive Garden.

I will also most likely be hitting up Hillcrest for all those restaurants, and maybe Old Town after that but that's more of a last resort.

this is exciting, and I want everybody to be excited for me.
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(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2009|09:07 am]
 I've been having a hard time lately. johanna is gone, officially, driving to santa cruz as I type this... and who cares? it's not like I saw her SO often while she was here, we only hung out a handful of times anyway, why should it even matter? I guess because that's how I feel with EVERYBODY. andres messaged me a month ago to tell me he was leaving in A MONTH, which sounds like A LOT OF TIME, so I never really put him high on the priority list... which, in itself, is more heartbreaking than I can possibly say, since there was a time in my life when he was the ONLY thing on my priority list... but then he messages me again this morning to be all, I guess I'll just leave the harry potter I borrowed from you on your doorstep? since I'm leaving tomorrow? and it's like NO NO NO WAIT STOP I HAD MORE TIME THAN THIS. and this time it isn't even just sacramento, he's going to ireland, going to be halfway across the goddamn world and I couldn't figure out one day where I could pencil him in? no, apparently not, and apparently not for cara or catie, either, who are now in humboldt and missouri respectively, leading these mystery lives with people I don't know and will most likely never meet... and I guess I knew this day was coming, and maybe I was subconsciously trying to expedite the goodbye process by alienating my friends long before they left... or maybe I'm giving myself way too much credit, and the reality of the situation is that I am a goddamn terrible, flaky friend, and I blow everybody off for work or for my boyfriend who I see every damn day ANYWAY, and only now that it's way too fucking late do I realize just how far I've pushed everybody away from me. the fact that I even HAVE friends, can even CALL them my friends still, is such a huge indicator of how lucky I am to even have these people who are willing to put up with my "sorry-I-can't-I-have-work" bullshit every time, not even bothering to ask me what I'm doing with my two days off every week...


just having a rough time with it all, I guess. who am I even talking to anymore?
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2009|10:07 pm]
I'm really just kind of generally fed up with my life right now. I keep going through these really brief, shining periods of optimism... like I'll hang out with someone I haven't seen in awhile or go to a party with good people and really enjoy myself, or have a good conversation with my mom or go a couple of weeks without getting in any fights with kyle... and I'll think, things are looking up. maybe it isn't so bad. maybe my job doesn't suck so much, maybe I'll get straight As this semester. maybe I can pretend for a second that my life isn't really such a flaming ball of dog shit like I keep making it out to be. and for a little while (like a day? or so?) I'll have this fabulously positive outlook on things.

but it never lasts long enough for me to grab ahold of it. and when I start heading back into--not depression, that's extreme. just general unhappiness?--I try to find it again, I reach out toward whatever it was that cheered me up before, but nothing holds. nothing sticks. I just sink right back down.

my job is the first thing, which makes sense because it's the most prominent aspect of my life, try as I might to supress it. I ask for less hours and they flat-out tell me no. which I guess I should find flattering, because they say it's because they need me, because I'm their best worker, because they can't afford to be without me for these first busy couple of weekends of september. okay. fine. but I'd feel more like a valued employee if they'd, I don't know, listen to my requests not to have to work til 2am. or give me a raise. or a promotion. or at least acknowledge that I'm the only one who does my job, the one who spends half my time cleaning up after what every other employee does wrong. I'm trying to find a new job, but it's seeming like more and more of an impossibility. craigslist is such a joke--I applied to literally probably 50 places and got two email responses, and one phone interview. I could go just door-to-door asking for applications, but between school and work I don't have a single day off in a week to do so. and then there's the part where I don't really WANT a new job. I just want to work less, and more reasonable hours. my requests are fairly simple, I don't understand why they aren't being granted... especially if I am such a star employee, why aren't they working harder to keep me? hopefully I'm in the process of moving past this stage of my life where I can barely have any semblence of a social life because I'm constantly having to tell people I have work. this is supposed to be the time in my life when I'm a social butterfly! gah!

and then there's my family, who are great, whatever, but every time I see my dad, EVERY TIME, he brings up something money-related. like how his electricity bill was so high this month, and how it's probably because I keep my fan on overnight or fall asleep watching tv. or his water bill is high, it must be because I take such long showers. NEVER MIND that I'm home two nights out of every week and consume about 10% as many utilities as any other family member. and my mom goes on these trips with her friends to escape and whatever, and leaves the rest of the family totally on their own, which wouldn't be a big deal if she didn't have a 10-year-old daughter and a puppy. which leaves my dad 100% on his own, and he works full time, so guess who the responsibility falls to? I get home from work at 2:30am tonight, and then I'll be baby&puppysitting until 5pm tomorrow night, when I'll leave for work again. repeat that three times and you have my weekend. college life rules.

kyle's my one consolation. my rock. my knight in shining armor. I really, truly do not know how I would be getting through this without him. he says all the right things, makes me feel like maybe it's going to be okay.

there's more. there's my friends, who are spiraling into a world I'm not a part of and am (usually) glad I'm not. there's my weight and general health, which is fluctuating almost parallel to my outlook on life. there's my self-confidence being in the drain, there's my constant to-do list of things that will most likely take me a matter of months to finish even though they're incredibly simple tasks, there's the fact that I spend so little time at home that my family will periodically just walk into my room to grab a book or something without even knocking because they're so unaccustomed to finding me there.

my fingers are crossed, but my hopes are not high.
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(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2009|03:59 pm]
 I am so tired of working.
I really should not SHOULD NOT be complaining, my job kinda rocks... I get paid to hang out with my friends and get free stuff from celebrities and shit, and I'm really FREAKING good at what I do.
I just really truly honestly think I'm going to explode if one more friend texts me asking to hang out and I have to go, "gahhh, sorry, can't. I HAVE FUCKING WORK. EVERY FUCKING DAY."

granted, I get two days off per week. TWO DAYS. but, like, as much as I miss my friends and really genuinely do want to hang out with them, half the time I need just one of those days to catch up on everything else in my life that I've been neglecting. like, I don't know, sleeping. cleaning my room. doing laundry. doing dishes. convincing my parents that I'm not a lost cause, I am still very much their daughter even though they only see me once a week. and then my only other day off in a week usually goes to kyle. because he is my boyfriend, after all, right?

I'm not making excuses for not hanging out with my friends. if I made it more of a priority, it could so definitely happen. I just have zero motivation, like ever, because every second that I'm not at work I feel like is already claimed by some other responsibility. or if it isn't, EXACTLY. IT ISN'T. that's heaven, to just read on my bed and not look at the clock because I don't NEED to, because there is nothing demanding my time.

I'm very vaguely considering quitting. but only VERY vaguely. because I know unless I have a really REALLY fabulous, well-paying job already ready and accepted on the side, I would be a total moron to give this one up. mostly I just want them to hire somebody new who really wants hours, so they can take all of mine, and I don't have to be responsible for picking up after everybody there.

yeah? yeah.
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(no subject) [Jul. 19th, 2009|01:01 pm]
hello, world, you will be different to me tomorrow.
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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2009|03:04 am]
 here's the bottom line, with every fight I've ever gotten in, with anybody: I wanna talk. I want to be able to express every angle of what I'm feeling, I want you to understand it, to understand me. to understand what I'm going through, because I think once you do, it'll be easier to get along. why fight, when you totally get where the other person is coming from?
but on the other hand, I want you to talk too. I want to get it. I don't want to think you're being totally unreasonable, I want you to explain it to me so I see your side of it. I want us to not necessarily agree, but at least be 100% aware of both sides of the argument.


I understand this about myself now.
and I understand that not everybody is like me. in fact, I'm probably pretty rare.
and I understand that the bottom line of a lot of fights... probably more than I'm even mentally addressing right now... are because of this fact.
because people, boys in particular, do NOT want to talk. they have no interest in sharing their feelings with you. they have no interest in hearing yours. they do not want to talk anything out, because they define that as "fighting." which, in some ways, is absolutely correct. they do not want to express themselves. they don't want you to, either. sure, they're angry. or upset. or confused. or frustrated. but damnit, they won't tell you for a million dollars. they just want to move past it. they want to to leave. they want to remove themselves from the conversation, and come back to it when things look nicer. when the dust has had time to settle. when they don't have to talk anything out, when everything is just back to normal.

and who can blame them?

but I'm a little weasel about it. no, we can't go to bed. no, I won't go home. I want to talk this out. I want to beat this dead horse. I want to understand exactly why this fight started, why it escalated, why you're upset with me. I want to dissect it, until it's something I can pull apart and analyze and know like the back of my hand. I want to understand. I want to get it. 

and most people interpret that as an entirely negative thing, and I'm starting to agree with them. but the fact is, it's an aspect of my personality, and I like my personality. I like myself as a person. I don't feel the need to work this kink out the way I feel the need with other kinks. I'm okay with it. bite me.

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EDC. [Jun. 27th, 2009|01:12 pm]
 like, I guess it was a good thing that people freaked us out so much about it cuz then we'd be careful and not stupid, but everybody just needs to calm down. it was NOT that intense.

so much fun, though. so absolutely fun. super chill, but in a chaotic ravey way. I loved how everybody acted like we were all best friends, thousands of people I've never seen before in my life all treating each other like we were invited to this party together. we were so grossly underdressed. nobody warned us about the dress code. but it wasn't a deal, at all. we made friends, catie kissed like five guys and one girl, we got some super cute pictures, my only regret is letting catie hold my camera and having her drop it in a puddle (the damage has yet to be assessed) and not buying the two-day ticket.

it also would have been so much more fun if we'd gone in a huge group. four friends is fun, but if we'd gone today we'd have had dom and derrick and draz and who knows who else. we'll know better for next year, and yes there will be a next year.

I wish kyle had gone, he would have adored it.

I am surprisingly, 100% okay today. all right, 100% is a little pushing it, but I'm much better than I thought I'd be. a little headache, a lot of mouthy grossness and still no appetite whatsoever, but not even close to say, disneyland for example.

stories:
-a guy got caught selling and a policeman chased him down, and people literally went out of their way to create blockades for the cop, and everybody was cheering for the guy running. peeps be crazy.
-streaker. big hairy fat guy who obviously shaved for the occasion, which wasn't the greatest idea considering how cold it was outside.
-a girl we met outside the bathrooms, whose eyes kept rolling to the back of her head but who could somehow still answer questions. yes I'm okay, no I don't know where my friends are, no I don't have a cell phone on me, no I don't need any help. no I don't want to come with you. and then, in a sudden moment of clarity, she sat up and looked us straight in the eye and said, "where am I? am I in LA?" yes. "ohhhhh, jesus." I actually had a nightmare about her last night. I cannot even imagine.

good, good times. I MISS KYLE AND I WANT HIM HERE RIGHT NOW.
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(no subject) [Jun. 25th, 2009|09:03 pm]
I hate reading old entries. is there anything in my life going on besides kyle? really? find something else to talk about, susie, christ.

well. hawaii. just got back, less than an hour ago. I am so over traveling. this whole trip has been like one long chain of road trips or plane rides, punctuated by a couple of beach stops here and there, let's walk around a volcano in the rain and read an informational plaque on lava tubes.
WHAT.

I'm not ungrateful, I was actually in absolute awe when we got to the hotel. google "hilton waikoloa village" and you'll see what I mean, but not really. you'd have to just be there. you'd have to walk the mile just from one side of the resort to the other. it's enormous, and incredible, and they did not spare a single expense. and for that matter, neither did my parents. they forked out cash for everything. EVERYTHING. I think I pulled out my credit card for my own souvenirs maybe five times the whole trip. I was so spoiled. I got a few shades darker, I spent the whole trip in shorts and a tank top. I packed three jackets and two pairs of jeans and they never left my suitcase, it was that nice. I swam with dolphins, I shared a lagoon with sea turtles, I snorkeled for hours and came across sea life I barely even recognized except from text books. I took pictures that looked like post cards, you wouldn't even believe me if you didn't actually see it yourself. unbelievable. I'm already planning my trip back, prague can suck it.

one the other hand, I AM SO OVER MY FAMILY. the worst is my sister, who I've always known was spoiled... my dad treats her more like a granddaughter than a daughter, literally bending to her every fucking whim. whenever she doesn't get something she wants, any tiny little thing, she throws an absolute fit. no exaggeration here, she demanded of my father that he buy her a stuffed dolphin from some gift shop. he said no, and she spent the entire rest of the evening giving the whole family the silent treatment, snapping at anybody that asked her a question, stomping her feet when she walked, slamming doors, the whole enchilada. so the next day, my dad breaks down and we go back to that same gift shop just to shut her up, and--get this--she throws ANOTHER fit, because when she was there the first time she didn't notice the GIANT stuffed dolphin on the wall, literally bigger than she is and now she demands that one. we need a british nanny up in here, and quick.

and my parents are harmless if occasionally annoying, but it literally frightens me how absolutely old they're getting. any sentence I say to either of them will automatically have to be repeated because they didn't hear me the first time. walking at a normal pace, no matter where we are, is out of the question because they have to stay slow, dad for his ankle and hip and mom for her knees. they'll ask me the same question three, four, five times, and simple things won't make sense to them for a good couple minutes unless you flat out spell it out for them. it freaks me out. do I really spend this little time with them, that I haven't picked up on these little differences? how much longer before they'll have walkers or canes or hearing aids, and I'll have to read stuff to them because the print is too small? I don't even want to think about it.

overall, though, the trip was really fun. (here's my one kyle mention) being without my boyfriend for ten days is tough turkey... and I still have three to go... but I'm getting better at it. the trick is to keep yourself busy, occupied, don't let your mind wander off to how great the sex is going to be when he gets back on sunday. but I digress.

sorry about the long entry. I'm exhausted, and I have a hell of a headache, and I really need to go for a drive and have a beer and smoke a cigarette, but NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT SO I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER IT.

fin.
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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2009|09:58 pm]

it's almost, but not quite, a decision. it's almost as if I decide to get mad at him. there's a moment, just for a second, when the scale could tip either way. and it's almost like I lean over. I think of one thing, one silly thing, but it's enough to make it tip, and it's enough to make it snowball into something huge. and then I fuel it, I fan the fire, by THAT SAME NIGHT deciding to go look at katherine's myspace. or read old journal entries about fights we had. or spending hours just staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the other fabulous guys there are in the world, other guys I've turned down while being with him. and this is enough, and this will result in two or three days of shifting our weight sitting next to each other, him asking me constantly if I'm okay, if anything's wrong, why I'm so quiet... and after a couple of days of this, when the tension is almost palpable, the pressure of it will finally bubble over and some tiny insignificant comment will throw us over the edge, and we will rattle his closet doors with our screaming at each other. things will be said that didn't need to be. we will stare at each other like strangers, and then it'll be over.

or at least that's how it has been happening for the last 16 months. but I'd like to think I'm growing up a little, because today I feel like I leaned the other way. and it was over, that quick.

or I hope so.
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(no subject) [May. 21st, 2009|06:20 pm]
 "I spent my entire life waiting for you, and I didn't even know it until you arrived. I wanted to die but you filled me with so much love that it overflowed and I couldn't help but love you back. It happened before I even knew it and now I can't imagine not loving you. You have said that it takes so much for me to believe anything, but I do believe. I believe in your love for me. I believe in my love for you. I believe that every remaining beat of my heart belongs to you, and I believe that when I finally leave this world, my last breath will carry your name. I believe that my final word will be all I need to know that my life was good and full and worthy, and I believe that our love will last forever."



I quote this for two reasons.

1.) because nobody will ever hear these words spoken to them. nobody, ever, because there is no such thing as this storybook love. I don't mean it as a depressing thing. I'm sharing this with you because they're pretty words, they're pretty concepts. I'm showing it to you the same way I would show you a painting of a unicorn. isn't this beautiful artwork? didn't the artist do a magnificent job, depicting this imaginary thing? you can enjoy it without lamenting that it doesn't exist. it's only a representation of what the human imagination is capable of.

2.) because, rather than caressing my belief in pure, eternal love, it is diminishing it. but again, I don't see it as a negative thing. it has only strengthened my faith that nothing is perfect, and that a lack of perfection is desirable. I don't want those words to ever be spoken to me. I don't want anyone to ever devote a heartbeat to my name. I want a human, not a god. I want someone I can share my heartbeats with. I want to want to share them with him. I want nothing devoted.


part of me hates books like this. books like twilight, that talk about this everlasting love, that give girls like me this unbelievable expectations of how serious and somber and pure "true" love is. I do not want my love to be a delicate, beautiful flower that I cup in the palm of my hand and marvel at. I want it to be solid, and sturdy, and I want it to have battle wounds. I want to be able to drop it, step on it, spit at it. because half the time, that's what love is. because love and hate are flip sides of the same coin.
I do not want edward cullen, worshipping me like I'm the only thing that's ever mattered in his life. I want a partner. I want an equal. I want us to be okay without each other, I want it to be a choice.


sorry. random mumblings--I just finished an actually pretty spectacular book. but I thought I'd put my thoughts down somewhere.

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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2009|01:27 am]
I have learned something about myself.

I cannot be ignored.

I don't mean it bothers me. I don't mean I don't like it. I don't mean it's the kind of thing I try to avoid.
I mean, it CANNOT happen. part of me just won't let it. I would rather look like the biggest psycho bitch in the whole world, nagging and nagging and picking fights and saying things that aren't even true, just to get you talking to me again. that way I can be the one who gets the last word. I get to be the one who walks away.

I literally cannot even explain it. Kyle and I have fought before. I mean, obviously. next to debauchery it's the only thing we ever engage in. but never once has he literally just stopped wanting to deal with me... turned off his phone completely. it's a feeling I can't even put into words. I felt hurt, and betrayed, and furious, and annoyed, and frustrated, but most of all, all I wanted was to hurt him. I don't mean I wanted to gauge his eyes out, I mean I wanted to make him feel as hurt and betrayed and awful as I did. I wanted to tell him I didn't love him, that our relationship means nothing to me. I wanted to lie, to tell him I'd faked every orgasm. that I'd been cheating on him this whole time. that every compliment I'd ever given him had been bogus. I wanted to call him stupid and unlovable. I wanted to make him feel little and unworthy.

...and all just because he ignored a couple of phone calls and text messages.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm incredibly envious of that kind of will power. never, ever, ever, could I just turn my phone off if we were in a fight. if nothing else, the curiosity would eat me alive. what is he saying? how is he feeling? what kind of terrible insults is he throwing at me when I'm not looking? when we're in those kinds of fights, and we aren't face-to-face, I can barely go to the bathroom without taking the phone with me. I want to hear every angry word he says to me. I want to swish them around in my mouth, suck the marrow out of them. I want to use those same words right back at him. I. want. to. fight.

but he, understandably, does not. so he can walk away. but when he does that, I just stand there red-faced and shaking, still screaming insults at someone who's stopped listening.

I wish I had that kind of power. I wish I could delete a voicemail without listening to it. I wish I could shake things off like that, and say "it'll blow over. listening to this isn't worth my time. and even if it doesn't, listening to this will do nothing positive for my life or attitude." and just be done with it. but that is a quality that I absolutely do not possess. and because he does, it makes me even more furious.

this fight is absolutely, 100% my fault, and it's 100% because of this enormous personality flaw of mine. all he did was get fed up. and understandably fed up, at that. but because he got to be the one to tell me the conversation was over, I flipped. no, the conversation is NOT over, and I'll prove it by threatening to break up with you. by implying what a terrible, terrible boyfriend you are to me. by yelling at you so loudly that my coworkers, and later my parents, look at me like they feel so sorry for whoever's on the other line. I GET TO BE THE ONE TO HANG UP ON YOU. ME ME ME ME ME.

I disgust myself sometimes.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2009|03:17 am]

I can't remember the last time I really had a day off. Every week is the same schedule. The two days I have off from work are the two days I go to school. If, on the offchance I have a THIRD day off in a week, it's snatched up so fast my head spins. I have to hang out with kyle. or a friend. or a group of friends. or there's a party I'd feel guilty for missing. or my mom will guilt trip me, saying it's been weeks since she and I hung out one-on-one. or christianne will need babysitting. or even if none of that happens, there will be a project that needs finishing. or I'll have a ton of studying to do for this or that test coming up. or a paper to write.

I just hate being spread so thin, you know? it isn't even like I'm involved in that much... especially compared to some of the people I know, who have two jobs and go to school and have kids and do such-and-such extracurricular activity, and an internship, and whatever else. I just have one job and 16 units, and a really demanding group of friends and family. I shouldn't be complaining.

but I feel like I used to have all this free time... like, I would sit at home wishing for something to do. what happened to that? now I wish for boredom. I wish I had like, one day a month where I just vegged. I'm hoping summer will grant me that. this being busy thing is getting on my last nerve.
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(no subject) [May. 7th, 2009|12:26 am]
I wish school was over. I wish it so passionately, it fills me up like a balloon. it's all I think about.
I mean this semester, obviously, but I also just mean the whole thing. school is turning into this fabulously negative experience, and I don't know when the shift happened, but I literally am aching to get out.
I'm not retarded, I know I have to have a degree or I'll burn in the fires of hell in this day and age, I KNOW. but fuck.
I just absolutely, 100% cannot wait until summer. hawaii, camping, whatever else. in any case, no summer school, which will be more of a relief than I can possibly say.

kyle's good. I mean whatever. we're in a better place, we're not breaking up every five minutes. there have been improvements.
the only obstacles we seem to be facing are his friends. we were gonna hang out, just the two of us, for cinco de mayo. I arrive at his house and he tells me he invited sammie and jackie and zach over, too... who are all people I'm cool with, whatever, but we had plans. I could have been cooler about it and not said anything, but I decided to voice the fact that I was kind-of annoyed that he'd invited them without really including me in the decision. somehow it turned into me not being cool with his friends even though he's cool with mine... which is absolutely true, but
a.) I hang out with my friends like ten times more than he hangs out with his, so it obviously makes sense that he'd see mine more often and would therefore be closer with them, and
b.) his friends are this disjointed, displaced, unorganized group that hang out all together maybe once every couple months... so every time they see each other, it's like a reunion-slash-catchup sesh, which is fine, but not if you're the tagalong girlfriend. whereas my friends and I are in constant contact, so it's easier for him to fit in when he hangs out with us because everybody is already comfortable with each other.

long story short, it turned into this long weird thing, he ended up uninviting his friends (even though I told him not to... we chalked it up to a miscommunication) and he kept insisting he was fine even though he was all quiet and moody for like an hour after that.

it's shit like that that pisses me off, how such a minor thing can snowball into him being a moody zombie, me freaking out and asking if he's mad at me every five seconds... and the whole rest of the night being awkward and quiet.
it didn't turn out that way, incidentally, being cinco de mayo we got drunk and high and cuddled away into the night. but still. I hate that this keeps happening, but I don't know how to fix it.
we're good, though, don't get me wrong.

on a random sidenote, my asthma is being such a bitch lately I don't know what to do with myself. I stopped smoking cigarettes, but the damage has apparently already been done. I can't so much as walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath. I'm almost out of my monthly allowance of inhaler medicine, and it's only the 6th. I think I'm just doomed to be an old wheezy lady for the rest of my young life.

but how are things with everybody else?
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(no subject) [Apr. 15th, 2009|12:31 am]
 Since it seems like I really only post when I have an update about kyle, and since the only really important updates about kyle are whether or not I'm calling him my boyfriend, I'm pretty sure my entries look something like "we broke up, it's for real this time." "just kidding, we're back together, this time for real." "no wait, now we're not anymore." "this just in, we're back." and so on and so forth.

WELL GUESS WHAT.

the worst part about it is how I was so totally okay with being single. like, learning to like it. flirting with boys. not feeling guilty about making plans with a guy friend. trying to memorize my new number in case anyone asked for it. I WAS OKAY.

but he wasn't okay, which I thought was sweet, and so now we're back together and the story continues.

and I'm still kinda shaky about it, not like I'm not excited but like I don't believe it (because who would?) and because I really was cool with being on my own for awhile. work on some self-improvement. and now that we're back, it's like, okay. fine. let's do this again. but I just have WAY less enthusiasm for the thing now that I've realized just how well I can keep it together without him. not like I don't want him in my life, I just don't absolutely live and breathe for him anymore.

or at least that's how I was looking at it going into the day...

but I hung out with courtney today, and chatted about boys for literally hours straight. and talking about kyle just made me get some stuff out that I really hadn't looked at before... like how well he treated me. probably better than any boy I've ever had or ever will. I honestly feel like a princess when I'm with him. and he looks even better when compared to court's guy, who cheated and was controlling and blew her off all the time. and how I really have no legitimate reason to look back at this relationship with disdain. we fought, but they never lasted more than a day. and the make-up sex was always incredible. there's another thing: the sex. I feel like now that I've had kyle, no guy will ever compare and I'll forever have these unbelievable standards of performance and I will just continue to be disappointed. and he truly is my best friend, he knows more about my life than some of the friends I've had for a decade. and we just fit together. and we have so much fun. and yadda yadda yadda, I'm in love with him.

and so talking to courtney made me pull a 180, and I started looking at this as a new beginning, maybe we really will work on changing, maybe this will be it.

but I swear to christ if we break up one more time, it is so, so over. so over. I cannot even stress it enough. I'll sign a contract if I have to. I fucking hate being one of those couples. one more fucking stunt about his ex girlfriend or his coworker or whatever and I swear. to. god. there will be no third chances.

but yeah, so we're back together or whatever.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2009|12:27 am]

it was never official before but it's official now. before it was almost like an inside joke. haha, yeah, we broke up, RIGHT. now come over and smoke and have sex and let's have this be our little secret. and I was cool with it, it wasn't like either of us had anybody else on the side or anything, and if not having the title of boyfriend is that important to him I could really care less.

but it's official now, as in I haven't seen him in a matter of 5 days which (I kid you not) has not happened in the entire 14 months we've spent together. and whatever periods we have spent apart have been flooded with text messages and phone calls and oh how I miss yous, but not this time. so it's like, real now.

I'm happy. I really, really am. I'm able to see clearly enough to know that my pain and my hurt is going to fade and I'm going to be better off for it. I really am noticing little improvements in the quality of my life--I'm spending more time with my parents, who I feel like I haven't seen in months even though we share the same mailing address. I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm writing letters, I'm reading, even stuff like my diet is improving. drinking more water, taking my vitamins. and the music, GOD. you don't realize what a boyfriend does to your relationship with music.

so it isn't like it's a negative thing, really. the pain is there, and every once in awhile it'll surface when I'm driving home from work or when I laugh at a family guy joke that I figure he's probably laughing at 15 miles away. but it's fading, and I'm watching it fade, and I'm confident about it.

and then there's a guy, who for now I'll call s. s knew me in high school, went away to college and just got back. granted, I haven't even seen him, our entire interaction so far has been online, but we seem to be hitting it off pretty well and I feel like he's just a couple of back-and-forths away from asking me to hang out. and if he does I think I'll say yes. because I think I deserve to be doted on, even if nothing comes of it.

and then there's another guy, e, who's been in my life forever off and on, and seems to be sneaking his way back in again. he keeps hinting in text messages that he wants to hang out soon, and I keep having work on days that he's free, but I feel like that's going to be a good thing too.

so I have that. so I have something.

but then kyle wants to hang out, which I promised myself about a million times I wouldn't let happen, at least not for a few months or until I had some real prospects elsewhere. but somehow I said yes, moment of fucking weakness, so I'm seeing him thursday. I don't know how it's going to go down, because I don't know why he wants to hang out or what he wants to say to me or if he thinks we can somehow be friends or what. but my guard is fucking UP.


but yeah. that's what's going on with that.

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(no subject) [Feb. 6th, 2009|08:56 pm]
we're broken up, I guess?

I don't know. that's really all I can say. I have ZERO idea what's going on. like, I'm happy? but I'm not. part of me is like, YES. no more drama/paranoia/fighting. but another part is really mad at the first part for feeling any remote version of happiness. like, he's my everything. just not all the time.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know.
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(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2009|06:36 pm]
I'm in a really weird, really unfamiliar place right now. I hate it. I hate this uncertainty.

he flirts. which would be okay if it was with everybody, but it isn't. it used to be. now it's just with her. and I made the mistake of looking through his phone (drunk) last night, and found some overly flirtacious text messages that sent me over the edge. I'm an idiot, I know, and I hate that I've become the kind of girlfriend who pulls shit like this. and I know I can't be mad at him for anything he said because he should be mad at me for looking through his phone. but now that I've seen it, seen what kind of relationship he has with her, it's all I can think about. and to know that some of them were sent while he was physically with me makes me shiver.

now that I know it, I can't un-know it. I wish I could. because it's mostly just making me feel really scared and uncomfortable and stupid and alone. and I don't know if I'll get over it, to be honest.
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